A NEW BEGINNING AFTER FIXING WHAT’S BEEN BROKEN

“I think a ‘new beginning’ is exactly what’s going on in our marriage!” the wife boasted.

“I would’ve said early on that I just wanted things to get back to the way they used to be,” the husband commented. “Only because I had no idea that a ‘new beginning’ was even possible after all these years together!”

Those are comments I hear often when couples work through this process together.

Many counselors and coaches just don’t have a system for working couples (or families … or mom’s and sons … or sisters …or friends) through this process. But without a system, ‘what happened this week in our marriage’ takes over.

And emotional balance goes out the window.

Although important, and we must allow a few minutes for them to ‘report in’ … Then we must get to work on what will begin to fix or heal what’s been broken!

If you’ve been reading along, but have not yet started the process, I implore you to do so.

I’ve done my best to give you enough instructions … that if you follow it carefully, with your best attitudes and intentions … you will see great results.

This is not an ad to drive you to my practice. If everyone who needs this reached out to me, I’d have to hire thousands of coaches to assist me. Instead, it is my heart’s deep desire to make this available to anyone who needs it.

There are so many coaching opportunities, counseling opportunities, workshop opportunities, etc. that do not have a systematic approach to walk you from realizing what’s been ‘broken’ all the way to ‘fixing’ it, to restoring connection, to a new beginning.

Please, please, please use these tools.

Whether you’re ‘fixing’ something small or a huge betrayal.

My heart is that every couple (or relationship) have the tools needed to heal what’s been broken.

If you’re hesitant to get started, let me just encourage you to do so.

From the very beginning exercises, this is designed in such a way to release the neurohormones that will begin reconnecting you at a foundational level.

Changing your thinking will change your believing, and when that happens life changes.

Everything isn’t ‘just fine’ after the first exercise.

But it begins a process that has the power to bring great healing.

That’s my desire for you.

I asked my couple, “If we could watch the movies of this whole process, what was the most valuable moment for each of you? 

She immediately lit up and stated with full confidence: “The moment he picked up his guitar and sang the song he sang to me at our wedding. I knew it was from his heart!” She teared up remembering it.

He smiled the purest smile I’d ever seen: “For me, it was the moment she woke me up in the middle of the night several weeks ago and whispered: ‘I want you to know I’m forgiving you as fast as I can. I want to … and you deserve that’!”

He paused as he looked at her and continued.

 “For the first time in my life … I felt like I really had a chance to step up, leave all my baggage behind, and become all I was created to be!”

I soaked in the love and connection that was palatable in the room!

 “I’d love to hear even more … but for now… let’s get on to this beautiful new beginning!” I suggested.

Learning to give the intimacy needed to the one who you chose to supply the intimacy you need (and you’re missing), is what it takes to build that bridge between two hearts.

If you practice the sacrifice needed to make that kind of intimacy happen...nothing will break you. 

I hope you will also follow these steps. But if you do not do the previous steps, it will be like putting a band-aid on a wound that needs hundreds of staples!

Get those steps done … and then let’s chart out your new beginning!

1.  New powerful rituals.

    

   It’s rare that someone ends up breaking another in a relationship or a marriage, when there’re not some unhealthy or plain old toxic patterns and cycles in the relationships.

    

   Those won’t just disappear.

   It requires...

   -Intentionality...

   -Careful planning...

   -Devoted time and effort.

    

   I began by asking my couple to identify at least 2 toxic cycles or patterns that they’d like to transform.

    

   She began with: “Oh! That’s easy … the way we sniped at each other … instead of having mature conversations.”

    

   He nodded in agreement, then added.

    

   “Me not prioritizing time with her. She was always supportive of my love for sports. But instead of making time with her, or sharing a special meal together before or after … I had to watch 2 hours of pre-game, and 2 hours of post-game.”

    

   She was obviously delighted to hear him own that.

    

   We continued that process, as a way to begin charting their new beginning.

    

   With a full list, I got them started.

   I addressed the husband.

    

   “Although eventually I want you to both be a part of creating new habits and rituals, I want you to begin the process and lead for a bit,” I added.

    

   “Taking that leadership role brings further healing and restores trust.”

    

   “That makes total sense and I’m willing to do it!” the husband affirmed. “However, I might need some help!”

    

   “Not a problem, but I will begin with 3 absolute MUSTS’,” I instructed.

   “Then I’ll provide a list of some things that you can add to address the toxic patterns.”

    

   Here are the absolute MUSTS I shared with them.:

   1. Spend at least 15 to 20 minutes daily checking in on one another, fully present, no distractions, carefully listening to where the other is in their heart and in their desires.

   Not just a “how was your day” conversation.

   Asking meaningful questions of one another. (Examples: What was the best moment of your day? Did you experience any disappointments? How are you feeling about our new beginning? What can I do (or say) more of or less of to make it even better?)

   Then REFLECT, VALIDATE, and EMPATHIZE.

   These are the bare minimum requirements to keep the relationships moving forward!

   1. Share gratitude daily. Think of at least 3 things you’re grateful to the other for and share them daily.

   This does something very powerful! It sets your RAS (the reticular activating system) in your brain to searching for things to be grateful for.

   Often, when something has been ‘broken’ … our RAS is set for negative things.

   Knowing that you will spend time daily expressing 3 things you’re grateful to the other for … resets the RAS to search for positive things.

   Hearing them then releases oxytocin, which keeps the connection strong!

   1. Share your love in a meaningful way daily.

   Not just the words: “I love you.”

   That’s important! Research reveals that about 65% of females say “I love you” at least once daily.

   Only 45% of males are likely to use the words daily. Let’s clean that up! Let’s say the words daily.

   But this new habit is not just about saying the words. It’s about giving two to three reasons about why you love them. Or sharing meaningful about who they are.

   For example: “I love you for the way you are being so present with me at meal time.”

   Or “I love how hard you work to provide for our family.”

   Or “I am so proud to call you my husband, and I love how you are modeling how to be a great one to our son-in-law.”

   Here are some other things that research has indicated that are habits and patterns of people who report extra extraordinary richness in their marriage: 

    

   • Mastering positivity, eliminating negativity. Dr. John and Julie Gottman say the couples who have great marriages have 5 positive interactions or conversations for every negative one.
   • Having fun together. The word “recreation” come from the Latin word: “recreatio.” It means to restore connection. Just 10 – 15 minutes of fun can do that!
   • Balancing chores and contributions to the marriage. Historically, the husband was responsible for the bread winning, and the wife was responsible for the home. Now, when most homes have 2 wage earners, both need to feel like the other is carrying half the load.
   • Keeping all electronics out of sight and silenced when spending time together.
   • Doing something kind and unexpected for the other daily.

    

   So many more!

    

   “Just doing the MUSTs would address most of our toxic patterns,” the wife stated.

    

   “And I will be the initiator. I understand totally. When you said that you wanted me to take the lead earlier, I thought: ‘I hope she doesn’t remind me that no one had to tell me what I needed to be doing when I was making bad choices, so I shouldn’t have to be reminded to make the great choices!”

    

   “Well said!” I validated.

    

   Take the lead. Get new habits, that create new beginnings ... going.

   Repeat daily. Before you know it … they’ll be habits!

    

   DO something that moves you forward every day!

    

    

   2. Agree to never communicate (tone, body language, presence) or speak to one another without TREKy talk.

    

   “I could lecture for hours on what research says about this,” I commented.

    

   “But let me just sum it all up with this. The way we show up and communicate with one another is a proven predictor of whether our marriage will make it or not!” I reported.

    

   I put together the TREKy talk concept as a result of a plethora of research that basically reiterates the same thing.

    

   For far too many couples, the sniping’ the wife mentioned is a common form of communication.

    

   With incidences of hurt, and no ‘fixing’ of it, and no forgiveness for it … the respect declines … and the way we address one another is simply a symptom of the depth of the toxicity.

    

   I found that these patterns are so prevalent in marriages … that I needed to have something available for couples to aim for, instead of just telling them to stop sniping.

    

   As mentioned earlier in the series, ‘TREK-y’ talk is an acronym for:

   Telling the TRUTH

            With RESPECT

                     EMPATHY and

                     KINDNESS

    

   24/7 … NO MATTER WHAT … This is how we should address one another 100% of the time to have a safe and healthy marriage!

    

   “But what if there’s a problem to be addressed?” the wife inquired.

    

   “Great question and one almost every couple asks when presented with the TREKy talk challenge!” I validated.

    

   First, I advise all couples when they have some challenges to address that they ask for an appointment and have a “Safe Conversationä” (a method of communication developed by Drs. Harville and Helen Hunt Kelly).

    

   It includes reflection, validation, and empathizing.

    

   (By the way, I’ll be hosting this workshop (Safe Conversations) at my office on April 26 with Drs. Clay & Sonja Arnold. You may attend virtually or in person. Email me if you’d like to get on the waitlist for registration: [email protected]).

    

   The “T” in TREKy talk is for truth. Sometimes the truth is challenging, or about problems that need to be addressed. Just because we are doing it with Respect, Empathy, and Kindness does NOT mean we cannot address difficult things!

    

   Let’s look at the other words in TREKy, and their definitions.

   Respect – Deep admiration and honor for another

   Empathy – Experiencing another’s feelings ourselves, to the best of our ability

   Kindness – Being friendly, generous (assuming the best), and considerate

    

   “WOW! We were WAY off track for a LONG time!” the husband admitted.

    

   The wife nodded in agreement, then added: “But don’t you think we’ve been much better?”

    

   He smiled and said, “I certainly hope so!” Then he added spontaneously: “I take the TREKy talk pledge!”

    

   Is there anything love can’t change?

   And what it doesn’t change shows us what needs to change.

   Love never fails.

    

   What about you?

   Are you willing to cease all other means of communication other than TREKy talk?

    

   It will change EVERYTHING!

   Quickly and dramatically!

    

    

   3. Adding purpose and meaning to your marriage.

    

   “Another thing that will make all the difference in the world in your marriage is to find a way to add meaning or purpose to your marriage,” I suggested.

    

   Drs. John & Julie Gottman, after decades of researching marriages, shared that one of the key components of the healthiest marriages is creating shared meaning:

    

   “It’s important for spouses to create shared meaning in their marriage. They need a spiritual dimension; they need to create a family culture rich with symbols and rituals which increases and strengthens their sense of togetherness. When a marriage has a shared sense of meaning, conflict is more manageable and perpetual problems are less probable to lead to gridlock.”

    

   I could see the curiosity in my couple.

    

   “I suggest that couples take a weekend away to begin to create a marriage of purpose. To spend an entire day talking about things that you could do together that would bring great meaning.”

    

   That could involve anything from...

   -Community volunteer work...

   -Doing a mission trip together...

   -Beginning a support group for teens or some other group of people...

   -Writing a blog together weekly...

   -Taking each child and/or grandchild on a small trip annually with a purpose of sharing specific values with them.

    

   The list could go on and on.

   Whatever it is.

   As long as it would bring meaning to the marriage, it’s a GREAT idea!

    

   “Oh, that gives me some great ideas!” the wife said with excitement.

    

   “We’ve been talking about mentoring young couples, and now that we know what to do when they get in rough places, maybe purpose could come out of this awful thing we’ve been through!”

    

   “Actually, I was thinking the same thing, but I knew it might be a while before you would feel like doing that with me,” he responded. “And rightfully so!”

    

   They were on the right track, and I knew that they’d find a way to come together and add meaning to their marriage.

    

   Research shows that marriages, where there’s a purpose or meaningful contribution of some sort, are far more likely to have a strongly intimate marriage.

    

   Can you imagine what a better place this world would be if every couple found a way to contribute something?

    

   Let’s start that revolution!

    

   *****

    

   I received a comment on my business page last week that you may have seen that said: “I had actually taught a marriage course before, so I didn’t really think I needed this. As I began to read it, I realized how much I had broken in my spouse. I toyed with the idea at first, half following the exercises, and then I began to see something beautiful happen. A real wakeup call that we never know it all! And no marriage is too good to be able to use some additional investment!”

    

   If you have followed along, and followed the steps, I know you’re seeing things that are different.

    

   And maybe even catching a glimpse of the possibility of something beautiful.

    

   This is effective, not just in marriages, but in all relationships.

    

   Isn’t it interesting that we are willing to invest hours and hours daily into social media, news, weather, and sports, and other things much less important than our marriage.

    

   I hope you will find your marriage valuable enough to make these great investments.

    

   There’s no such thing as trying … only doing … when it comes to what’s most valuable to us. And what’s most valuable to us are the things we’ll reach for on our last day of life; those we love.

    

   Remember these investments, will not only heal what’s broken, but they will make you a better human being for doing so!

    

   Next week I’ll begin answering some of the most asked questions I’ve received over the past number of weeks.

    

   If you have any you would like for me to address, please send them to: [email protected].

    

   I’ll do my best to answer as many as possible. (And don’t worry, question submissions are anonymous! I will not be revealing who sent them in!)

    

   Until then… I am forever hopeful for your healing … if you’ve been broken … or if you’re the one reestablishing your trustworthiness after you’ve broken something or someone.

    

   Most of all...I’m forever hopeful for your marriage!